coming undone.

i wanted to be in a place with Him,
see my Savior and call Him friend.
so i called up all the dead parts of me,
gathered them up and named them,
told them to change, stripped them from me so i could
breathe.
then the dead would start to rise,
so i built fetters and chains to keep them
abated and told them the promises
i would try to keep.

and for a while,
my vows kept the dead man at bay.
the old and dead was supposed to
burn away, but i leave the temple
to put the grave clothes back on again and
then i can’t breathe cause the clothes don’t fit me.

so i vow again, and the holy people all help me
undress from my grave clothes, unbind me,
and i leave the dead man,
keeping him again at bay.

i ask to be made a temple, a dwelling place
in the new me. and i
adorn myself in promises and
i have gold ordinances to proclaim my faith,
but this temple was built on guilt and
the grace won’t cover what i want to keep.

i try again and let the guilt tell me how to live,
what to correct in me, and i try again
but then it breaks me; every time
the guilt betrays me and it takes me ages
to find His face again.
every time, i let the guilt build my chains, and
they break my vows and
the ordinances that have clothed me like gold
are just covering up my grave clothes.

so i break my vows, and
the guilt is no longer a slave to me.
i let the ordinances come undone and
all the unholy i’m wrapped up in stops calling itself
righteousness.

and i come undone;
i will let Him undo my striving for
perfect sanctification and call me saint already.
and i come undone;
i will stand before Him unfinished and
incomplete, and then He can
make me His and call me friend.
and i come undone;
unfolded before Him and
unfolding because of Him.

and now my vow will be to be
with Him.