out of reach.

i’ve discovered a sin in me that i never knew shouldn’t be.
it has a darkness that’s evaded me,
and since i thought i could see, it looked like light to me.

by it, i could see one step ahead of me,
but i would run ahead sinfully, where You didn’t call me to be.

the Goodness of You, You made where i ran into
a place to continue to be, and You didn’t ask me to leave.
i still thought You might abandon me,
so i let the sin with the darkness that evades me help me see,
again, one step ahead of me.

the sin that looks like light to me,
it changes constantly.
it looks like honesty and working and doing all the right things
and worshiping and generosity and

idolatry
of all the things i was deceived to believe couldn’t
become idolized because of their purity.

slowly,
trying to become like Christ perfectly
turned to fear of not becoming as perfect as He.

i’ve discovered the sin in me that i knew shouldn’t be.
i see the darkness surrounding me,
and now i know i can’t see,
and the light looks too far from me.

rather,
because of the darkness surrounding me,
i realize the sin taught me how little i needed Thee.

i can’t see the step ahead of me and
i’m not sure what direction to take,
and now i realize
the sin made me believe God is evading me.

what evaded me,
the thing just out of reach,
was the complete repentance,
the kind that makes things whole.

the repentance has eluded me cause
i couldn’t seem to take off the old me.
it’s always that grave scene again and it makes me weak.
i keep thinking of that grave man i used to be
and it makes me seethe - he keeps beckoning me, waiting.

i know him better than i know the Holy, therefore
when my heart longs to go home,
it goes back to the old one.